I see people proclaim they have anxiety and depression. They have beautiful faces, a long term boyfriend, job, kids. I almost want to laugh. What do they have to be depressed or anxious about! I have not had a relationship in ten years. I have trouble with purpose and job direction and finding something to focus on to keep motivated. I search for happiness but ultimately come up with nothing. I dream that it will all work out but that has not worked for me yet and maybe i need to find a different tact. Actually try, take a risk, make the effort.
Low self esteem and social anxiety has plagued me my whole life since childhood. i know now it is not just shyness it runs deeper and is engrained in me. Becoming an adult has not fixed it, it is still there and still controls me and makes me hesitate and question my self worth. It only takes one bad day and im knocked down a peg again wondering what the point is in life and why i can not seem to progress like everyone else. What is wrong with me? Why are they confident and I lack it? Why does it not come naturally and although i know it takes all different people and personalities to make this world work why do i feel i got the raw end of the deal not being extroverted or confident or funny or pretty. I hate feeling boring, like im too quiet, no one will like me or want to be in a relationship with me. But then I have days when I know that someone somewhere is missing out on a great girl, that i AM decent and have good things going for me. But the longer i am single the more I start to feel doubts and feel completely alone and insecure.
I hate being jealous or envious of other people i know its not a good trait. But I long for what they have. I know comparison is a dangerous game that you never win. I just want that excitement of dating someone and that its actually mutual and going to possibly go somewhere! I put myself out of my comfort zone meeting strangers from online apps but nothing ever gets off the ground. Keep having to go back to the start. And talking about myself and my life story over and over again sometimes makes it worse wondering what they think of me and if i am not living up to their expectations.
in my 20s i didn’t realise the value of education and the doors it may open later, i saw it as a chore and I just thought everything would all work out. I now wish I had a great career to feel proud of. Not still being in a stagnant job for 6 years with no progression. Those are the 2 major things that i get anxious over not having a partner and not having a career.
I just want to feel settled and happy and not constantly like im missing out on life. Wasting my life. For an over thinker and procrastinator you’d think I would have come up with a plan my now. Maybe next year is the year, new year, new start, new me right. As my mid thirties approach this time I need to stop treading water and take a step forward.
Train of Thought 