Love; the constant struggle

I want to be held in strong arms against a strong chest and stubble brushing against my cheek as he whispers “Hey, i got you.”
I want him to come up behind me when Im cooking and put his arms around me for a quick cuddle of appreciation. I want him to listen to me intently and offer advice or not if it calls for it. I want someone to share my journey with, to give me direction and purpose.
I want someone to look after me for a bit, not having to always depend on myself.

Instead I go on dates, I say next or they do.. nothing ever becomes anything. And I get older and everyone changes around me, they progress, i stay the same. Too scared to try, to scared to get hurt or hurt someone unless completely sure. Will I ever be sure, will the “right one” ever come along or do I need to start compromising. But then im in two minds with that, compromising means letting go of that ideal scenario, the things that I find attractive. I dont want to end up resenting them for not being who Id like them to be. If they have one out of 5 qualities will that be enough or will i always be yearning for what’s missing.

The last one made me realise the things that I really would like to avoid compromising on, the things that actually I do value and prioritise over other things. Comparing him to another guy who I had in the Maybe pile I realised he actually may be more compatible. No initial huge attraction looks wise but that could grow in time, other things are important too.

2019 is almost here.
I need change, I need something to happen next year something big. I need to work towards something with work. I need to fall in love or at least take a risk, try and if i fail or it fails get up and try again.

This year I bought a house by myself, I kept myself afloat. I paid everything on time. I can do independence. Im done with that though. I can be alone but i don’t want to be forever. I think I deserve someone great to come along now, rescue me from my isolation. I will keep trying and keep open minded and just hope I make the right decisions.