First blog post, Hello!

I have always struggled with making big decisions, well ok maybe even small ones! I need to go around all the shops just in case there’s something better or cheaper before I decide what to buy. I write list after list of what to do with my life I want a plan but I often fail to act on it. Leave things status quo, hoping something will happen or someone will come along to help me take on a new direction. I go hot and cold on ideas, pros and cons lists get written every so often. Usually I’m just going over the same thing mulling it over and over and over…I drive myself nuts. I know I’m cautious, in life and in love. I’m 32 and have been single for 9 years. I hate saying that. I feel like I’ve wasted my youth, I crave to be loved. I have a lot to give. But I haven’t met the right person. I’ve been on dates, tried the online thing. But if I don’t feel a connection I back off straight away. I cant let anyone get close, let them in unless I feel it’s going to go somewhere. I flick between wondering if I just haven’t met the right guy or if it’s an intense defense mechanism I’ve subconsciously learnt to push them away to prevent feeling loss if it doesn’t work out.

My Mum died in June 2008, 5 days before my 23rd birthday. I had been seeing a guy for a few months which ended in April of that year. We stayed in touch it was always more casual to him so I’m actually glad he ended it then, she had just started to get sick and it wasn’t fair to have to deal with me and all the emotional darkness that was to come. I still felt cheated though just not having someone to comfort me through my grief. There’s times when you just need a hug or to know someone’s thinking of you. I went through it alone, and year after year it continued. I found I wasn’t in the right headspace to meet anyone I could trust with this big Thing that was in the forefront of my mind every day for a year until it gradually subsided and i started to process. I didn’t want someone else to grieve over. I didn’t want to let someone in if they weren’t ready to take on the burden of a girl with grief on her shoulders. So my 20s were interrupted with something I shouldn’t have had to go through for 30 years. I lost focus I lost my path a little. And I feel like I retreated into my shell. My friend circle was small and there never seemed to be anyone new or ways to meet guys even when I was ready. Always found a reason to say no. I am hoping next year will be my year.. my time to feel love and also gain direction in other areas of my life. 

So I guess I just want to try & share my thoughts and maybe post some poetry old and new whatever pops into my head. 

 

 

Life’s a journey but sometimes you get stuck in reocurring mud

I see people proclaim they have anxiety and depression. They have beautiful faces, a long term boyfriend, job, kids. I almost want to laugh. What do they have to be depressed or anxious about! I have not had a relationship in ten years. I have trouble with purpose and job direction and finding something to focus on to keep motivated. I search for happiness but ultimately come up with nothing. I dream that it will all work out but that has not worked for me yet and maybe i need to find a different tact. Actually try, take a risk, make the effort.

Low self esteem and social anxiety has plagued me my whole life since childhood. i know now it is not just shyness it runs deeper and is engrained in me. Becoming an adult has not fixed it, it is still there and still controls me and makes me hesitate and question my self worth. It only takes one bad day and im knocked down a peg again wondering what the point is in life and why i can not seem to progress like everyone else. What is wrong with me? Why are they confident and I lack it? Why does it not come naturally and although i know it takes all different people and personalities to make this world work why do i feel i got the raw end of the deal not being extroverted or confident or funny or pretty. I hate feeling boring, like im too quiet, no one will like me or want to be in a relationship with me. But then I have days when I know that someone somewhere is missing out on a great girl, that i AM decent and have good things going for me. But the longer i am single the more I start to feel doubts and feel completely alone and insecure.

I hate being jealous or envious of other people i know its not a good trait. But I long for what they have. I know comparison is a dangerous game that you never win. I just want that excitement of dating someone and that its actually mutual and going to possibly go somewhere! I put myself out of my comfort zone meeting strangers from online apps but nothing ever gets off the ground. Keep having to go back to the start. And talking about myself and my life story over and over again sometimes makes it worse wondering what they think of me and if i am not living up to their expectations.

in my 20s i didn’t realise the value of education and the doors it may open later, i saw it as a chore and I just thought everything would all work out. I now wish I had a great career to feel proud of. Not still being in a stagnant job for 6 years with no progression. Those are the 2 major things that i get anxious over not having a partner and not having a career.

I just want to feel settled and happy and not constantly like im missing out on life. Wasting my life. For an over thinker and procrastinator you’d think I would have come up with a plan my now. Maybe next year is the year, new year, new start, new me right. As my mid thirties approach this time I need to stop treading water and take a step forward.

Love; the constant struggle

I want to be held in strong arms against a strong chest and stubble brushing against my cheek as he whispers “Hey, i got you.”
I want him to come up behind me when Im cooking and put his arms around me for a quick cuddle of appreciation. I want him to listen to me intently and offer advice or not if it calls for it. I want someone to share my journey with, to give me direction and purpose.
I want someone to look after me for a bit, not having to always depend on myself.

Instead I go on dates, I say next or they do.. nothing ever becomes anything. And I get older and everyone changes around me, they progress, i stay the same. Too scared to try, to scared to get hurt or hurt someone unless completely sure. Will I ever be sure, will the “right one” ever come along or do I need to start compromising. But then im in two minds with that, compromising means letting go of that ideal scenario, the things that I find attractive. I dont want to end up resenting them for not being who Id like them to be. If they have one out of 5 qualities will that be enough or will i always be yearning for what’s missing.

The last one made me realise the things that I really would like to avoid compromising on, the things that actually I do value and prioritise over other things. Comparing him to another guy who I had in the Maybe pile I realised he actually may be more compatible. No initial huge attraction looks wise but that could grow in time, other things are important too.

2019 is almost here.
I need change, I need something to happen next year something big. I need to work towards something with work. I need to fall in love or at least take a risk, try and if i fail or it fails get up and try again.

This year I bought a house by myself, I kept myself afloat. I paid everything on time. I can do independence. Im done with that though. I can be alone but i don’t want to be forever. I think I deserve someone great to come along now, rescue me from my isolation. I will keep trying and keep open minded and just hope I make the right decisions.

Always lost

I have a roof over my head. My own roof, my one achievement. But I’m still not happy. I still long for a relationship..to turn into marriage to have that dream come true. Even just starting at the very beginning, someone to get excited about meeting for a date over, someone to hug, someone to ask how your day is going and actually care,  someone to travel with -experience going on holiday with even just for a week. Feeling loved. Not always alone and the awkward odd one out.

I’ve always wanted to find a job or career that has room to progress but have shied away from the commitment of study. Time, effort, money. Purpose. That’s all I really want. To feel like im working towards something not just flatlining. I feel like over and over again i get into this rut and I can not get myself out.

Some words from 2008

I found this recently,  i wrote it the year my mother died. It was a full on year of processing everything and trying to come to terms with being early 20s and losing a parent.

I feel sad. Sad for me, sad for Mum. Why do I understand more now she’s gone , than when she was here? Now that I can’t fix anything , can’t help her. Can’t make her happy.  Because I couldn’t make her health better I gave up. I thought I couldn’t do anything but that’s not true..I could’ve talked to her, opened up not shut myself off hiding every feeling and pretending it was all ok. I hate myself for that  but at the time I couldn’t deal with it in any other way. I see things that I could’ve done if only I’d changed my mindset.  I see places i could’ve taken her,  things I want to talk to her about. I wanted her to be here longer but not in pain. I guess we couldn’t have both. I wish id been there for her instead of choking up and leaving the room unable to speak.

10 years on

The 10 year anniversary is this week of my mother’s death.
You don’t expect to spend your 20s grappling with loss and overwhelming regret. while everyone around me has experienced happiness and progress I’ve been stuck. i tried not to lose hope that somehow things would work out for me too but sometimes the darkness cancels out the light at the end of tunnel.
It’s been 10 years of feel alone. Not letting anyone in to my mind, wanting it but without realising carefully constructing a wall to prevent any more hurt. But by doing this I’m not letting myself be loved

And then I find someone who I feel something for, potential at least.. and then he doesn’t want what i want. Doing the guy thing….wants all the fun without the effort. It’s frustrating how something so simple is actually really hard to make happen.But I guess he’s not the one for me after all.

I miss talking to my mum, I need her words of advice. What to do with my work situation, the fact I’m almost 33 and I want kids but have no lovelife to make that happen. I want kids and a husband I want that whole package. Time is ticking on. I just wish things had turned out ok, that I’d moved through grief and come out the other side. With someone by my side.

 ——-

I could be like you
But me
With it all mapped out
A plan
A life
Full of the things that give me
Happiness
Would that end this despair?

Why are you finding your way
Why can’t I do the same
Why do I stand here
Waiting for change
But not making it happen
If it were handed to me
If I met the man of my dreams
If one part of my life were good
Would I be Happy?
Or would I then
Think of the other bits
That make it unbalanced
That cause me to frown
Not looking up but looking down
Anxiety is never far
Always reminding me of my uncertainty

 

Still looking for love at 32

I didn’t want my life to turn out like this.  Still single. I thought I would be married, have kids, a house. Instead I’m facing going through the house buying process by myself. Which is not only harder financially but also having no one to lead the way. I just want someone to do life with!

It’s my exes birthday today. From 10 years ago. But I still remember the date. He’s married with a kid and twins on the way. Yay. It all worked out for him.

My friend split with her partner of nine years, was single for 10 months then out of the blue a guy from her past wants to take her out. No years of online dating, awkwardness, deadends and disappointments. Sitting through furst meetings feeling forced with no attraction. Guessing what theyre thinking about you. Why do some people have it easy. It gets handed to them no work required. I feel duped. I’d love to meet someone normally  have that excitement and spark. But I’m so shy around guys I’m sure i give off the not interested vibe. And also assume they’re all taken.

But I am going to try harder this year. I need to. I need something in my life to change, for something to go right. To progress. To stop worrying. To feel loved..i can’t remember what it feels like to be held. To feel that comfort. I don’t want to miss out on something I know I deserve and can have.